Involving Children in the Funeral Process

When a loved one dies, planning and attending a funeral can be an overwhelming experience, especially for children. Many adults may wonder whether or how to include children in the funeral process, uncertain about how they’ll handle such a profound event. However, involving children in age-appropriate ways can help them process grief, feel connected to the memory of the person they’ve lost, and begin to heal.

Preparing children

Before children can be involved in a funeral, they need to first understand the concept of someone passing away. Tailoring the explanation to their age and comprehension level is key.

• Use clear and honest language: Avoid euphemisms like "gone to sleep" or "passed away" as these can confuse younger children. Instead, use clear and simple language, such as "their body no longer works."
• Allow questions: Children may ask many questions about death, and it's important to answer them honestly. If you don’t know the answer to a question (for example, “What happens after we die?”), it’s okay to admit that and explore those thoughts together.
• Explain what will happen: Before involving them in funeral planning or attending the service, walk them through what to expect. Let them know what a funeral is, what happens during it, and why it's important. At Eternity Funeral Services we have helpful literature that explains this in an age-appropriate way.

Involving children in funeral planning

Including children in the planning process can help them feel involved, ease their anxiety, and give them a sense of control during an emotional time. Here are some ways to involve children in planning a funeral:

• Ask for their input: If age-appropriate, invite children to contribute ideas for the funeral. They could choose a favourite piece of music, select special mementos like photos, or take an active role in the service, such as reading a poem or walking with your loved one as they are brought into the venue.
• Personal touches: Let them participate in creating something personal to honour the loved one. For example, they could draw pictures or write letters to be placed with your loved one or share during the service.
• Explain rituals: If there are specific cultural or religious rituals involved in the funeral, explain these in terms they can understand. Knowing what to expect will help children feel more comfortable during the process. The person conducting the ceremony way be able to help you with the explanation.
• Remember that every child is different; some might eagerly want to help, while others may prefer not to be as involved.

Preparing children for the funeral day

Once the funeral is planned, it’s important to prepare children for what will happen on the actual day. This preparation can alleviate their fears and ensure they feel more secure and confident.

• Walk them through the day: Let them know in advance what will happen, who will be there, and what emotions they might see. For example, explain that people may be sad and crying, but that this is a way of showing how much they loved the person who died. A member of Eternity Funeral Services would be happy to be involved in these conversations, should you find it to difficult to discuss, we are here to help!
• Give them a role: Many children appreciate having a specific task or role during the service. This could include:
  • - Handing out the order of service.
  • - Lighting a candle in memory of the loved one.
  • - Placing flowers.
  • - Reading a poem, saying a few words, or sharing a memory (if they feel comfortable).
  • - Joining the procession.
• Offer reassurance: Let them know that it’s okay to cry, be quiet, or even laugh during the day. Their emotions may vary, and all feelings are valid.
• Have a comfort item available: Some children may find it helpful to have a comfort item, like a favourite teddy, blanket, or even something that belonged to your loved one, to help them cope throughout the day.

Supporting children during the funeral

The funeral itself can be an emotional and potentially overwhelming experience for a child. Being present and attentive to their needs is key to helping them navigate the day.

• Stay close: Ensure a trusted adult is always nearby to offer comfort or answer questions. The child may need a reassuring hand to hold or a familiar face. Introduce your child to the funeral service provider so they feel comfortable approaching the staff if they need anything.
• Check in regularly: Throughout the funeral, check in with the child to see how they’re feeling. If they become overwhelmed or need a break, reassure them that it’s okay to step outside for some quiet time. At Eternity Funeral Services we will have several staff members available, all DBS-checked and ready to interact with your child outside if needed, while the service continues.
• Allow flexibility: Children process emotions differently, and their ability to sit still through a service may be limited. Provide options if they need to move around or engage in a quiet activity such a drawing pictures during longer ceremonies.
• Encourage expression: After the service, give the child time to talk about their feelings or what they observed. Be an active listener and validate their emotions, whether they express sadness, confusion, or even relief.

Helping children after the funeral

The days and weeks following a funeral can be a vulnerable time for children. Continuing to involve them in activities that can help them process the loss while maintaining a connection to your loved one.

• Create special moments: Establishing new traditions or rituals can be healing. For example, visiting special places, or holding small family gatherings in remembrance.
• Provide memorial activities: Encourage creative ways to remember the person who passed away, such as creating a memory jar where family members can write down memories and revisit them during difficult times.
• Offer emotional space: Grief doesn’t have a timeline, and children may express their feelings long after the funeral. Continue to provide them with space to talk about the person you’ve lost and revisit the subject when needed.
• Seek additional support: If your child seems to struggle with the loss long after the funeral, or exhibits changes in behaviour, it might be helpful to seek support from a counsellor or child grief specialist. Eternity Funeral Services has established relationships with experts in Corby and North Northamptonshire who will be able to assist you with this, so please don’t hesitate to ask.

Knowing when not to involve children

While involving children in the funeral process can be beneficial, it’s also important to recognise when a child may not be ready for certain aspects of it. Some children might find the thought of attending a funeral too overwhelming, and it’s important to respect their feelings.

• Give them the choice: Always give children the choice to opt out of any part of the process. They may prefer to be involved in a different way, such as visiting the gathering after the funeral, but not the actual ceremony.
• Provide alternatives: If a child is too young or not ready for the funeral, consider alternatives like holding a separate memorial event for them, such as lighting a candle at home or writing a letter to your loved one.

Closing thoughts

As funeral directors we believe involving children in the funeral process can help them feel included, provide a sense of closure, and support them in navigating their grief. From helping with funeral planning to participating on the day, children can play meaningful roles that honour their relationship with your loved one.

Eternity Funeral Services, located in Corby, is here to support all members of your family, with every step of the process.

With Love,
Matthew and Katie